Friday, July 31, 2009

am i born to be like this?

question for each blog's title. well, it's just some kind of dilemma inside me. i just want to sort
things out.. yeah, it's actually about myself. i thot i had changed a lot compared to my uni time.
I know I wouldn't change my interest (futsal, sports, vid games, music etc) all these were my true
love, so I would never abandon em. as long as my partner is ok with it, then I don't think
there's a prob. my main concern is my personal character. let say the general characters, like
talkative, funny, or friendly.. yeah it's acceptable by everyone. but the boyish thing.. it's still
here, inside me.
ok, before I joined my current company, I was in a banking sector. doing recruitment (HR ppl laa)
I felt that overall, I really changed a lot, matured and start to be very girly.. wear make up, shade beverly hills, MNG, all the brands i guess? with some heels, changed alternately every week. I thot I considered myself a 'woman' already. hehehe.
but once I changed my job, all the girly things slowly vanished.. like a shadow that falls after a moonlight. maybe it suits me as engineer is not the same as HR ppl. I still wear formal in the
office, still have make up with me. but all my previous boyish characters came back. maybe
coz I mix around with the boys back (like my old days). but I dun wanna listen to all the things
back (that I'm a half man etc).. but i did!! oh god.. help me.. am I born to be like this? I want to
be a normal girl.. at least for my character since all my interest are very contradicts with normal
girls. but please... is there anyone out there could teach me how to be a normal girl??

Thursday, July 30, 2009

offshore or not?

it took me ages to think bout this issue; am I supposed to go offshore or not?
the thing is, it's actually my real dream. since I was in my uni time, I really looking
forward for this oil and gas thingy. for me, there's nothing much more interesting than it!
(adventurous + money!) it's freaking cool and working at the platforms/vessels are
the career dreams for most of the guys, n some girls, like myself. well, just to save some
money then after few years, search for some potential market for business, run it.. and soon
after the income was stable, then just quit and concentrate of the business! at that moment
I don't really care bout other issues that might arise (like marriage etc.) since I'm boyish
and marriage is the last thing I would ever think on earth. (haha!)
but hey, now I am in oil and gas industries. currently doing the job that is supposedly
going to send me to the offshore sooner or later. I was so glad that I was standing here, right now
and always ready for any offshore works :)
and the journey begin early of this year. i enjoyed working, frenz, sports, games and a little bit of party here and there. until one day, early of march i had to attend a meeting. and to cut short
the story, yup i met my boyfriend during the meeting.
at early stage of our relationship, there was no issue about all this offshore things. after
we get to know of each other.. both of us were really serious about each other, and decided to
get married. I was so happy that i met my soulmate (and he really does).
and then there it goes.. issues started to arise one by one. other experienced offshore ppls
advised me not to go, for the sake of my love one. well, my boyfriend is working offshore currently as well. but there's not chickies or any other hot2 girls on the vessels. only guys, so
it's easy for him. if there is, then she would not be as hot as we could find here (obviously) but for me it's different. since i'm going to stay in the vessel, that was full with all
the guys. well, i know I'm not that hot or ever included in the chickies, but still coz i might be
the only girl, or few of the girls, then it would be an attraction for the guys. now, i could promiz
to myself that i would never influenced or have a potential to flirt with the guys. i know myself,
since i was surrounded with guys since kids (coz i play football, vid games n stuff wif them)
but i could never imagine how it would be when i hv to face the situation one day. just try to
imagine.. it's hard since we are stuck in the same vessel with the guys for 1-2 months.
i heard some stories, that my bf told me, bout a fiancée of someone also broke up when she
works offshore. too many guys or too many better choices i guess?
and after a while, my boyfriend finally confess to me that he also not prefer if i work offshore.
i agree with him.. since i know, it's easy to say now, but when we face it, it's not the same
as what we think. I try to avoid any potential for break up or wut so ever thing. coz i really
want it to happen; our marriage.
so, back to my dream, I would rather sacrifice it than loosing my beloved one. I could have both,
but it's a tough gamble. I decided to choose him.
the only concern right now is, I'm still in this company, so i have to standby. I try my best to find
job in other industries. the question is, offshore or not? the answer is no
for me, but how to avoid it at this moment? phew~

p/s: to Azman Abdul Aziz, if u read this blog, just want u to know that I love u so much!